I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
