Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
