so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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