I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you have to choose: penises or morals?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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