She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
