the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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