why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
