Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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