my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
