I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
