i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
