Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
