hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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