i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
