I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
