One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
