Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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