so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
