How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
