____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
