in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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