wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
