just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
