Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
