Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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