I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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