Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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