Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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