I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
