first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
