She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
