every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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