i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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