I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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