At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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