my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
