Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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