You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
