I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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