vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
Of course heβs picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
