so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
