The maid of honor just puked.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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