i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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