You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
