mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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