i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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