remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
