theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
