his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
