No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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