I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
