Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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