wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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