Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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