Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
