life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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